The Mother Lode of Triggers, Waves and Reclamation
I’m exhausted today. I had a big night last night, and as I attempted to lay down for a nap just now I kept getting the message that I needed to write about my experience and share it. I need to share what I discovered last night about my own struggles with Quantum TLC™ and what happens when I stay with it.
Yesterday I had a big trigger go off. It was tied to something very much out of my awareness and something that has been holding me hostage for a long time. I will spare you the content; the story is what got me to where I needed to go.
I spent much of the day in misery after the trigger. While Quantum TLC™ feels less like a strategy and more like a way of being to me now, this trigger hit me differently. It was harsh and bold and deeply confusing. I could see myself walking up to it, taking a peak at it and then turning around and running before shit hit the fan inside of me.
By the time I got into bed last night, I had so much pain in my jaw that I could not sleep. I never experience jaw pain, so it caught my attention as unusual. It was severe enough to create a slight moaning inside of me. The pain moved around a bit, which was even more of a clue that it was not something diagnosable – and was instead something begging to be released. In fact it moved from my jaw to my teeth, which all wanted to fall out, and then to my cheeks and to the back of my eyes and back around again to my jaw.
I knew it was about the trigger I’d been skirting all day, and still I watched my brain try to solve the problem. My intellect seriously considered that I’d probably stepped on a rusty nail and didn’t notice and I now had lock jaw. That, or I’d slept funny the night before and it just caught up to me. My brain went into problem-solving mode and considered all my options, like medicating it with ibuprofen, having a massage to get it realigned or even better, getting braces to realign it, all the way to having surgery in the morning (!) to fix it. I knew those were not the answers I needed.
I was up and down several times – trying self-massage and yoga poses like ‘legs up the wall’, feeling very confident that the blood would flow down to my head and create relief. None of this even came close to touching the pain.
I was still very aware of my trigger from earlier in the day and caught up in the content of it, unwilling to let it move fully because I was not yet done feeling sorry for myself. I did some “superficial” crying — moving water because I was sad — but not the kind of opening I talk about in my Quantum TLC™ Guide.
I got kind of desperate after about four hours of pain and decided that I would stop resisting and instead open to whatever the hell was so important that it needed to lock my jaw.
My resistance was working so hard against me that all I knew in that moment was pain and fear. With the steady and loving encouragement of of my amazing wife, I was able to focus on opening up and breathing fully. I finally surrendered and the first wave moved. It was a big one, and I fully expected the jaw pain to be gone when it was done — and sadly, there was no relief.
Another wave, even bigger and this time as I was moving into the experience of it, I heard myself say to her – “I don’t think I am going to make it through the night.” She assured me I would, and I surrendered to myself again.
Another wave, even bigger. This time I felt sharp, hot pins and needles in my torso and legs, then ice in my veins as my arms and legs were moving involuntarily. I think I was moaning too – I could hear the sound of very old trauma being freed.
And still no relief in my jaw. I was exhausted in all the ways at this point and the Kleenex box was almost empty. I knew there was more, there had to be or the pain would be gone. I resisted once again, thinking if I just stopped breathing, I would not have to go though another round. And with that thought came the knowing that I did not want it to stop, I wanted more of myself, I wanted to unlock and release whatever this was and I wanted my fullest life.
I could feel the mother lode of all waves was on the verge of moving through me, and I was scared. I heard myself say out loud, “I think my jaw wants an upgrade,” and that was what my body needed to hear to continue.
I accessed the deepest dimensions of my well of courage and opened once again, calmed my frantic breathing into a steady, slow, deep rhythm and relaxed into the ride of my life. Moaning, arms and hands doing weird stuff, tears, ice in my veins and I just stayed and stayed. I felt more of me arrive, which is hard to describe in words. A few minutes later my body stabilized and my jaw pain was gone, and has not returned. Upgrade complete.
I slept deeply and peacefully after that. I trust this process — this way of living — and I know I’ve created space for so much because I chose to stay with myself. I look forward to seeing what this new jaw has to offer, and I suspect it will help me express in ways that go beyond anything I have ever known.