Triggering an internal assault

I have been thinking a lot about triggers recently. I know triggers well, I cringe at the idea of them because I know what a tumultuous and seemingly unconscious state they can create in me. 

I have learned over time to use them for good, as an entry point into a process of Quantum TLC™ so I can release the old wounds that they are associated to. I have also made peace with the fact that my triggers are a gift and while pointing fingers “out there” can feel liberating, it gets me nowhere. The truth is, while I have worked hard to find a positive use for them, I wish they did not exist in my life at all.

Despite knowing that triggers are gifts, they still disrupt my life as they parachute their big ideas into a perfectly wonderful moment and mess with my peace and my joy. While I am clear that pushing them away is not the answer and that following them to the wound is the key to expansion, I am also aware that they may not be what I thought they were. 

I have carried a belief for a long time that a trigger goes off inside when a person outside of me does or says something that touches a tender old wound. That tender old wound comes from a time long, long ago when some other person did or said something that hurt me and it stuck. 

I am moving toward an exploration of triggers as clues not to what others have done to me, but to what I am continuing to do to myself.

I believe that when a trigger goes off, I have a small fraction of time — a microsecond — to, instead of collapsing, take a breath and acknowledge what is happening. This acknowledgement means I can pivot from turmoil to curiosity. I used to get curious about what sort of wounding needed to be healed after the “external” assault. Now I am getting curious about how the triggered feeling may indicate instead an internal assault.

What if the things I’ve labeled as triggers are just code for the places I still hurt myself the most? What if instead of calling it “being triggered” when I feel that familiar internal collapse and alarm at what someone “out there” has done to me, I dig deeper to discover that my alarm has gone off to remind me that I am doing this exact thing to myself?

For a while now, I have considered one of my biggest triggers to be the one I’ve labelled “being accused of something I didn’t do.” When it goes off, I am outraged that someone in my life is accusing me of something so blatantly not possible. If I don’t catch it in time, I collapse into a snivelling pool of self pity, wondering how that person cannot see that I would never do the thing they’ve falsely accused me of. I can spin around there for a long time feeling so very wronged. 

What if it’s not about the other person at all? What if feeling like I am being accused of doing something I did not do is actually just a clue that I still accuse myself of doing things I have not done? 

I do this all the time in the form of being hard on myself. That is essentially ME accusing ME of of doing something I did not do. If I stopped being hard on myself, would the trigger I label “being accused of doing something I didn’t do” go away? I am starting to suspect it might. 

What if I looked more closely at my other common triggers: 

  • Is “feeling unseen” actually an indication that I am not fully seeing myself? 
  • Is “feeling unheard” just a clue that I have stopped listening to myself?
  • Is “not being considered” a clue that I am not considering myself?
  • Is “feeling abandoned” a clue that I’ve abandoned myself?

What if all these triggers that I think originate from the outside world are actually just clues about my internal world and the ways I have disconnected from myself? What if I followed the trail of vegan, gluten-free breadcrumbs backward and started reconnecting the shorted circuits? How brightly will I shine in my own life when I am fully connected again?

 

 

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Quantum TLC™ is a way to find that deep connection, allowing us to take our attention inside as it creates expansion, insights and opens up new choices for living more fully. When we engage in this process, we embrace the majesty and magic we each carry.

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